5 Ways to Talk Back to the Depression That Holds You Captive

Have you spent years trapped in a body, a mind that isn't quite right? Do ugly emotions and even uglier thoughts have you bound and desperate? Years have passed, and still, you're fixed in time, left behind and struggling to breathe through the shame and self-hatred.

This was me for over a decade. I looked on as people and places changed around me while I was held hostage by all that I thought I wasn't and couldn't do.

I've gotten help since then, and with therapy, medication, and healthy routines, I've wrenched myself into my version of a baseline. Baseline for me is shabby and a little rundown, with not much to work with—the years of neglect having done a number on the foundation. But there's a promise and hope I painstakingly build on every day.

Old habits die hard though, and old thought patterns especially are a hydra level of difficult. So with every brick I set in place, I ruin one and drop two more.

But such is healing. Slow, arduous, and demanding.

And sometimes, despite all our progress, we're gripped by the sudden fear that maybe it's just not possible for us.

In those moments, we have to refocus on every part we're slowly rebuilding, trust in the work we're doing, and more importantly, trust in ourselves.

What I've found helpful is to talk back to the ever present negativity. There are five thoughts I use as an arsenal against the niggling doubts and uncertainties, five thoughts I'd like to share with you.

This is a decision you need to make, and possibly the hardest one required of you. It's something you'll continuously contend with, but you need to persist because there is no other way to live. The other option is to perpetually hurt yourself over things you can't change in ways that serve no purpose but self-punishment.

You need to care about yourself enough to not think you deserve that pain.

So accept what happened, accept what you've done, accept what you haven't done, and allow yourself to move on.

Forgive yourself for the lost time, the neglected relationships, the untouched opportunities, the steps untaken, the words unsaid, the potential unused and dismissed. Forgive yourself and accept the consequences.

Then you figure out a way to take the steps forward.

It's either that or eternal self-condemnation.

For the longest time, your goal might be to return to who you used to be or at least to the person you remember you were. You'll feel as if something has hijacked your mind and body, infecting and turning you into some twisted version of yourself.

You'll want to see this version as a temporary condition—you'll need it to be a temporary condition.

Because it's not a self you recognize.

Not one you're proud of, and definitely not one you like. In fact, you can't even look it in the eye.

So you'll live for the possibility of going back to how you were, to who you really are, because it's certainly not this new person. 

It'll make the self-hatred almost bearable.

But after a while, as soon as you're able, you need to accept that you've been changed by the things that happened, the things you've gone through. You need to realize that the You you're desperate to get back to is long gone. That You enjoyed their time in the sun, but is now just another one of the millions of versions of yourself you've outgrown and outlived.

And that finality, that reality, will permit you to let go of the impossible standard you've set for yourself. It will also give you the freedom to work on and work with the You that exists in the present. Because this is who you are now.

The acceptance of your new reality will come with the desperation to improve.

And while this isn't necessarily a bad thing, you might fall into the trap of seeing yourself as a placeholder for a brighter, better future self.

It's difficult to appreciate who you are at the moment while still wanting to improve, and that's a balancing act you'll need to figure out.

Because to live a healthy life, you need to stop seeing the current you as a stopgap. Or else you might be tempted to postpone things until you're finally satisfied with who you are.

You don't have to postpone anything.

You can meet up with friends even though there are still so many things you want to change, so many things you aren't proud of. You can buy cute clothes for the present body you have and look in the mirror and feel beautiful. You can answer a question without feeling the need to overexplain or underexplain. You can meet up with inquisitive relatives even if you don't have the life or job you want.

Try to live as you are in the moment and be okay with that. Realize that you don't have to feel shame or guilt even if you're existing in a body, with a mind, in a life you still want to improve upon.

I hated myself, so I assumed I wasn't worth anything to anyone. Even now, I don't understand why so many of my loved ones stuck by me, as neglectful and absent as I was. But stick by me, they did. And when I was finally able to talk to them, they not only listened, they were also gentle with me.

I know not everyone will be as lucky as I am. But try to be brave enough to open that door to the people in your life. Because you never know, and maybe they're just waiting for you to let them walk with you.

That warped version of yourself in your head isn't something you can trust. And even if you don't think you deserve love, you need to respect and trust people enough to let them make their own decisions about you.

You need to give people the chance to care about you.

I'm not saying there are guarantees, but there is possibility. It's up to you to decide whether that possibility is worth the risk. For me, it was.

I was terrified of making a choice. With the way I was, I didn't know how to escape my mental distortions or function with them. How could I choose when I looked at the future and wanted nothing? How could I decide when I felt completely ill-equipped to handle everything?

I didn't realize then that not choosing was also a choice—the choice to let others decide. In my case, that choice was made by time. Life happens around us. It doesn't care if we can't move by ourselves. We either let it push us around, or we take that step forward.

I took that step forward, and I started by making a choice to act.

You need to act on something. Anything.

It doesn't have to be something you're sure of. It doesn't have to be something you feel passionate about—because let's be real, when you're suffering from depression, that's a very tall, almost impossible order. It just has to be something you're physically able to do without completely hating it.

You might see making a choice as a life sentence. And with how you are right now, how on earth can you handle that responsibility? But the thing is, choices are just the beginning. The road is long, and who's going to stop you from making detours and turning new corners or even occasionally stopping for a breather?

You just need to start somewhere.

I'm not a unicorn.

What I've been through and the path I'm on is painfully familiar to many. I find strength in the progress I've made so far, and I'm slowly learning to trust myself again.

I see hope in the countless others who have made it through the other side, or more accurately, who continue to trudge along, fighting for their healing.

My wish is that you find the same hope when reading this. The impossibility of change might be a burden heavy on your shoulders, as it was on mine for years and years. But all it takes is one example to disprove that impossibility. May you see that here, as I saw it in others.